The Azure Him, Letting Me Like
The Love Left Unspoken
Qian Duolai's Story
After that, the two of us maintained a subtle relationship. I would often explain problems to him. He would obediently ask me questions. He would frequently bring me all sorts of things. Sometimes it was pretty hair clips his sister gave him that he couldn't use. Sometimes it was chocolate his dad bought on a business trip that he didn't like. Sometimes it was an extra bread roll he'd accidentally bought one too many of. I would always refuse stiffly. But he would still carefully place them in my desk drawer. We would often walk home together. He said we lived close and it was on his way. It wasn't until many years later that I found out. His house was in the opposite direction from mine. Every day after walking me home, he would turn back around and go home again. Perhaps those hazy feelings that hadn't yet seen the light of day were never meant to bloom. Perhaps beautiful things are always accompanied by regret. On the first day of the second semester of eighth grade. On registration day. He didn't come. At first I thought he just had something keeping him away. But for an entire week. The seat beside me stayed empty. One day I was getting water at the back door. Two teachers walked by. I happened to overhear their conversation. "Hey, that Theo in your class hasn't come to school in a while, what happened, did he transfer?" "Oh, I'm not sure, I heard he might be sick, taking a leave of absence? His dad didn't really explain, and the handover teacher didn't tell me either." Boiling water had overflowed my cup. The scalding temperature burned the back of my hand before I jolted back to reality and turned off the tap. That semester our homeroom teacher had been replaced. It was the teacher who had slapped me. She seemed to have been transferred to an elementary school. I wasn't sure of the exact reason. The new homeroom teacher was a female Chinese teacher. A very gentle person, who had previously praised my essay for being well-written. She had just said Theo was sick. Was it serious? Was that why he wasn't coming to school? But he had never told me. If it was a sudden serious illness. He wouldn't have had time to tell me. I didn't know how serious it was. I stood there in a daze. Then I came back to my senses. I'd known Theo for over a year. The two of us didn't even have each other's contact information. I didn't even know where he lived. I returned to my seat feeling lost, as if a piece of my heart had been hollowed out. A sense of emptiness and loss washed over me. I couldn't help thinking about him. Couldn't help wondering. Day after day. A semester passed. Just like that, we entered our third year of middle school. The seat beside me remained empty. I put all my books on his desk and in his desk drawer. As if he were still there. As if he had just taken a short leave of absence. I felt myself becoming strange. Every morning the first thing I did when I arrived at school was to look at his seat. To see if he had come back. Sometimes when I went to get water at the back, I would remember how he had helped me get water last winter. Eating popsicles reminded me of him. Seeing a sweet potato vendor by the roadside reminded me of him too. I dimly realized. That perhaps. I liked him. In the days of waiting. Spring turned to autumn. My dad made a fortune in real estate and became suddenly wealthy. Our family finally left our old, small, run-down apartment. We got a fairly impressive car. I also got a whole new wardrobe. Even my name was changed. This was what my dad said. "You always told me you wanted to change your name, and I always told you I'd do it when I wasn't so busy, but somehow year after year went by. I'm sorry, Dad let you down. From now on, we won't call you Qian Duolai anymore. Our family has enough money now." I looked at the new name on my ID card. Finally free of that terrible name. But somehow, I didn't feel as excited as I'd expected. My mind went straight back to that day. A voice ringing out clear and strong: "Yeah, who wouldn't like more money coming in?" My nose stung and my eyes tingled. I didn't know if it was because I finally had a name that wasn't so ridiculous, or if it was because of that day. In that moment. I just remembered. In that darkest period of my life, he was the first person who made me feel like someone cared about me. Fine then! Theo. I admit it. I miss you.
My name is Qian Shuhan. Shu as in virtuous. Han as in cultivated. I'm already in my second year of high school. At Sycamore City High, Class 1. President of the school poetry recitation club. That person smiling warmly on the Honor Roll—that's me. Teachers and classmates all like me. They say I'm not only pretty and gentle but also excel academically. Whenever I hear that, I smile softly and say, "Not at all." Former middle school classmates are all amazed by my transformation. They say that girl who was always frowning, fierce and scary, has completely disappeared. In her place is someone who fits her new name perfectly. I just smile and don't argue. People always change. Don't they? But some things didn't change. Like my love of studying. Aside from attending necessary activities. I would study with single-minded focus. Except recently. I'd been pestered by a persistent guy. I didn't know his name, and I had no interest in finding out. He was quite tall. Thin, and fairly pale. Just dressed in a flashy way. His collar was always crooked. At the freshman welcome gala, as club president, I had to perform. Reluctantly, I gave a heartfelt reading of a script. After the performance, I quickly changed my clothes and got ready to leave. Only to realize I'd left something in the backstage area. Just as I was about to go back and look for it. I saw someone hurrying toward me. His running posture somehow reminded me of a chubby little boy from years ago. "Senior, you forgot something." The boy stood before me, out of breath. Maybe because he was so pale. His neck and face were flushed red from exertion. I thanked him softly. Naively, I had no idea this person would end up pestering me endlessly. After that day. This guy would appear before me every single day. At first it was just simple greetings. Then he started showing up in person. I had no idea how he managed to sprint all the way from the first-year building to the second-year building in just a ten-minute break between classes. He'd bring me milk tea or other things. I'd smile and refuse every time. Did he really think these flashy little tricks could win me over? Not a chance. Nobody was going to stand in the way of me getting into a good university. Besides, this guy didn't seem serious. And he talked way too much. He definitely wasn't a good person. His pursuit of me was probably just a passing phase. A guy this flighty. I would never like him.
Soon it was time for club recruitment. I stood outside the small tent holding a stack of registration forms. Smiling as I handed flyers to every new student I saw. These new kids all looked so innocent. They were all good kids, none of them refusing to take a flyer. Great, this year's recruitment was going very smoothly. Just as I was about to run out of flyers. An uninvited guest appeared. That flirtatious underclassman was back. I rolled my eyes inwardly and pretended not to see him. "Hey, Senior, are you in this club?" I forced myself not to snap at him and maintained my big-sister persona. "Yes, I am." Technically I should have gone on to courteously ask if he wanted to check it out. But I refused. Having such a noisy person in the club torturing me. Did I have nothing better to do? I thought he'd pick up on the hint that I didn't want him in the club and back off. Instead, he had the nerve to say. "Wow, that's great, then I want to join too." Fine then! I never knew there was such a thick-skinned guy in this world. Unfortunately, the school respected every student's choice. Anyone could join any club they liked. I couldn't turn him away. Really, I'd brought this trouble upon myself. The club vice president handed me the list of new members. I was busy doing practice problems and didn't even look at it. Knowing their names was of no interest to me. Coincidentally, there was a competition after that. So I didn't even show up for the new members' self-introduction day. The consequence of all this was. Even though I was club president, I didn't know a single member. Well, not entirely. I knew one, though I didn't know his name.
I often had competitions. So I didn't manage the club's daily operations much. And rarely had the chance to attend activities. One day I finally found time to go check on the club. The only one there was that flashy, smooth-talking underclassman I recognized. He seemed happy to see me. As the saying goes, you don't hit a smiling face. Even though I wasn't fond of this underclassman. I still managed an awkward smile and greeted him. His voice was very familiar, a lot like someone I used to know. But he talked way too much, and his words didn't sound like anything that boy from back then would say. Listening to him speak always gave me an inexplicable sense of loss. Every time I saw him, I was reminded of Theo. As if being reminded. That I had missed out on someone truly wonderful. Listening to him talk. I would zone out. If it were Theo. He wouldn't talk this much, would he?
Soon it was Christmas Eve. I had just arrived at school, and there was already a beautifully wrapped Christmas apple sitting on my desk.