"October 10, 2019—Cloudy—Thursday"
It's been so long since I last saw you.
Forcing myself to stay busy.
But in the haze of exhaustion, I think of you again.
Blanket Girl.
What am I supposed to do with you?
When did you come to occupy my entire youth?
"October 15, 2019—Light Rain—Tuesday" The weather has been turning cold lately.
I wonder if you've added any layers. They say every autumn rain brings a chill.
It's been raining steadily these past few days.
I can't help thinking of that rain.
And the hand I never reached out in time.
"October 25, 2019—Cloudy—Friday" I keep wanting to write something. But the words fail me. How am I supposed to tell you? And with what right?
"November 1, 2019—Sunny—Friday"
After school today.
A girl I didn't recognize called out to me.
She said she was a freshman.
She had gone to the same middle school as me.
She said she'd been following in my footsteps all along.
That I was her motivation to keep getting better.
She said she originally wouldn't have been able to get into this key high school.
That every time she wanted to give up in her third year of middle school, she'd think of me.
And then she'd keep studying.
Now she'd finally made it to the same high school as me.
Before I could offer an apologetic reply.
She spoke again.
She said she wasn't telling me this to get anything in return.
She said she knew I had someone I liked.
I looked at her in surprise, only to find she was already crying.
She said, how could she not know.
When you like someone, you pay attention to them every moment.
How could she not notice?
The eyes that were always cast downward in middle school.
Seeming uninterested in everything.
In high school, it was like becoming a different person.
Always looking in the same direction.
Eating things you never ate before.
People who don't love you won't notice even the subtlest changes in you.
But those who love you will sense them right away.
She finished speaking and walked away.
And I stood there, frozen in place.
That girl.
I didn't even recognize her. I seemed to have absolutely no memory of her.
If she hadn't told me all this today.
I would never have known such a person existed.
Even though she'd been crying the whole time.
All I could think was how brave she was.
To be able to boldly confess her feelings to the person she liked.
The teacher had long forgotten about collecting the diaries.
In a daze, I flipped through the notebook.
It turns out I've written so much.
And you, will you ever know?
"November 15, 2019—Cloudy—Friday"
Sometimes I feel like.
I've already grown accustomed.
Accustomed to looking across at the fourth-floor balcony from the corridor to see if you're there.
Accustomed to pretending to walk past while stealing glances at you through your classroom window.
Accustomed to searching for your figure at the Wangyue Residential stop under the bus sign.
Accustomed to looking around after school to see if your silhouette is nearby.
Accustomed to using a camera to record every moment of yours.
Accustomed to freezing whenever I hear your name.
Accustomed to liking you.
How am I supposed to tell you all this?
I couldn't hold it in anymore. I looked at that diary page and wept out loud.
In that instant, I suddenly felt that someone who loved me this much—I might never meet again in my entire life.
Why didn't you tell me sooner!
Why didn't I realize sooner!
In every single moment, we could have met.
"November 22, 2019—Heavy Snow—Friday"
Today is the first snow of 2019.
On the first snow last year.
I admitted in my diary that I liked you.
On the first snow this year.
I still like you.
"November 30, 2019—Cloudy—Saturday" The school's winter cross-country race.
I used to never want to participate in these events.
But this time I signed up.
I don't know why.
Maybe...
I still wanted you to notice me.
So actually, isn't it true that...
In every moment of liking you.
I was also becoming a better version of myself?
Crossing the finish line, I scanned the crowd.
You weren't there.
Of course. You don't know me.
How could you care about a stranger's victory or defeat?
I'd just run 3,000 meters and felt perfectly fine.
But now it hurt.
17
I remember that year's winter cross-country race.
Except I happened to have a cold then.
My head was so heavy, and I truly didn't have the energy to go downstairs to watch the race.
I just stayed in the classroom sleeping, vaguely hearing the cheers from downstairs.
I raised my head—the classroom was completely empty.
My whole body ached, and I had a cough, but for some reason I still wanted to go take a look.
I dragged myself up, threw on my winter uniform jacket, and shuffled to the edge of the Sports field.
In a daze, I saw someone standing on the champion's podium.
The crowd was whooping and cheering, the applause thunderous.
I looked up, but I saw him with his head bowed.
I was already half-delirious—I even thought he looked unhappy, that he seemed sad.
I couldn't understand why someone who'd won the championship looked so down.
Tang Jia saw me come to the Sports field and excitedly threw her arms around me.
She shook me, saying the champion was actually from Class One.
Along the way, the cold wind blew against me. My head felt burning hot. I leaned my head on Tang Jia's shoulder, dozing in a haze.
Half-asleep, I could still hear people discussing, saying how could someone be good at studying AND sports AND look that handsome.
What was his name again? That tall boy? The one who's really smart?
I remember thinking at the time, there's no such person—what kind of international joke is this?
I snapped out of my memories, as if waking from a long illness.
It was Lucas!
It was Lucas on the honor roll!
It was Lucas, the one who had always been liking you!
I answered my past self.
But how could she have heard?
"December 2, 2019—Sunny—Monday"
Off to winter camp.
Take good care of yourself at school.
Even if you oversleep, remember to eat breakfast.
Don't sit in the classroom at lunch without eating.
...
But no matter how much I write.
You'll never see it anyway.
"December 24, 2019—Cloudy—Tuesday" Another Christmas Eve. I'm not at school. But remember to eat an apple.
"December 25, 2019—Light snow—Wednesday"
Blanket Girl, Merry Christmas.
Happy early New Year!
Happy New Year!
Happy always!
Happy in everything!
"January 1, 2020—Cloudy—Wednesday" I finally came back from City B. I rushed to school to see you.
Didn't see you.
"January 10, 2020—Sunny—Friday" Finals are here again.
Blanket Girl. I believe in you.
"January 15, 2020—Sunny—Wednesday" Winter break has started. The long days are coming again.
Falling back into the time of not being able to see you.
"January 23, 2020—Sunny—Thursday"
Suddenly woke up one day.
Cases had appeared all across the country.
Our province had suspected cases too.
The internet was flooded with news.
Some people said it was no big deal, that it wasn't contagious.
I felt it was a lot like SARS.
Maybe even more serious.
I hope you've noticed.
Be careful.
"January 24, 2020—Sunny—Friday"
It's New Year's Eve.
Every household is rushing out wearing masks to stock up on supplies.
I waited a long time at the supermarket.
Didn't see you.
That's fine—at a time like this, staying home is the safest.
"January 25, 2020—Sunny—Saturday"
Even though something like this suddenly happened this New Year.
You still have to be happy.
Don't secretly break down at night.
Blanket Girl.
Happy New Year!
I stared at the diary, pulled back to the time when the pandemic broke out.
At first, most people didn't take it seriously. Actually, as early as the beginning of January, you could already see some videos on certain websites.
I remember I reminded my dad to wear a mask when going out, and he just brushed it off like it was nothing.
Later, when the pandemic erupted on a massive scale, people started panicking.
At first, you couldn't even buy masks and rubbing alcohol. Large numbers of people would squat outside pharmacies in the middle of the night fighting over medicine.
Looking back, those days felt like living through turmoil.
Nobody knew what tomorrow would bring.
Every day you'd open your phone with trepidation to check the pandemic map.
January 23, 2020, early morning—Wuhan went into lockdown.
What followed was a nationwide stay-at-home policy.
My dad wasn't going to work either. Every day he stayed home sleeping and watching TV.
Everyone banded together, dutifully staying at home.
Cooperating with the national pandemic prevention efforts.
The whole country felt as if someone had pressed the pause button.
But during the pandemic, warmth and kindness played out every day. We huddled together for warmth, collectively longing for the day the pandemic would end.
Thinking back now, it feels like another lifetime.
So much time has passed.
"February 3, 2020—Sunny—Monday"
Because of the pandemic.
The original start date for the new semester was delayed.
Date to be determined.
I don't know how you've been lately.
"February 8, 2020—Sunny—Saturday" Lantern Festival. Remember to eat tangyuan.
I had the Oreo tangyuan from the cake shop on the corner.
The taste was a bit strange.
Sometimes I'd bump into you at that cake shop.
I wonder if you had any.
Hope you didn't get this flavor.
"February 10, 2020—Sunny—Monday"