How much good karma must you accumulate
To make eyes that normally keep to themselves look up?
The answer, of course, has no answer.
I kept circling back to that question in fractured, fragmentary bursts over the years.
Only to discover—
That many years ago.
On that rainy day when I first met Lucas.
My own heart had already given me the answer.
Because whether it's liking or loving—
It's the most unreasonable thing in this world.
It doesn't knock.
It doesn't give advance notice.
It doesn't care what you think.
It simply arrives on an utterly unremarkable day and tells you:
Well, kid, you're done for.
Love is inescapable and incurable.
Whether you want it or not—
You can't resist the one person who's irreplaceable.
This has nothing to do with age.
Nothing to do with family.
Nothing to do with anything in this world that might stand between you.
Perhaps I just wanted to put a period at the end of my long pursuit.
Or perhaps, after year upon year of chasing, I could no longer tell whether it was habit or love.
I claimed it as a small imperfection in my life.
And then I gathered every scrap of courage I had.
And stood before him.
This time, I didn't stay rooted to the spot.
I dropped my umbrella and ran toward the light I'd been chasing.
I no longer cared about the ending.
Because I was never the protagonist of this story.
That I got my own period at the end—
Was already my fortune.
I cried, holding my umbrella aloft.
From today on—
It's just me now.
That's okay.
I can do this too.
I'm just—
A late bloomer, that's all.
I know.
A woman's voice over the PA system snapped me back to the present.
This train has reached its terminal station. Please gather your belongings and prepare to exit. Thank you for riding with us, and have a pleasant journey.
I wiped the last tear from my face.
And stepped out of the train.
***
Bea's Diary
"September 2, 2018 — Sunny — Sunday"
Today is a big sunny day.
The sun came to work with a grin on its face.
It roasted Dad's face until it looked like a sliced watermelon.
The teacher assigned diary homework.
Lots and lots of interesting things happened.
The quilt Mom sewed for me got lost.
Hmm, writing in a diary is really fun.
I love keeping a diary the most!
"September 3, 2018 — Sunny — Monday"
Military training is so exhausting!
I haaaate the drill instructor.
Why is the school cafeteria's food so awful?
Mom could do better.
"September 4, 2019 — Sunny — Tuesday"
All we do is march in step.
What's the point?
So tired.
So sunburned.
I haaaate school!
"September 11, 2018 — Light rain — Tuesday"
Forgot to write my diary.
Not writing it now.
Too much trouble.
"September 21, 2018 — Sunny — Friday"
A day worth remembering.
Meng Yang braided my hair into two pigtails.
Tang Jia did my makeup.
I wore a red dress.
And I sang.
Yay yay!!!
"September 24, 2018 — Cloudy — Monday"
Mid-Autumn Festival.
Bright and early.
Dad woke me up again to go grocery shopping with him.
Honestly.
I'm going to make him buy me extra potato chips later.
"September 25, 2018 — Cloudy — Tuesday"
It's all because I stayed up all night playing on my phone.
I was a total zombie all day.
Almost fell asleep on the bus.
Good thing someone steadied me.
Otherwise I would've crashed hard.
"September 26, 2018 — Sunny — Tuesday"
I walked without watching where I was going again.
Fell down again.
So embarrassing.
A kind person picked up my books for me.
Even gave me a band-aid.
I looked up to say thank you—and they were already gone.
They ran so fast.
All I could do was shout "Thank you!" at their rapidly retreating back.
"October 5, 2018 — Sunny — Saturday"
Got a haircut.
I think it looks pretty good... right?
"November 27, 2018 — Cloudy — Tuesday"
Exam results are out.
Bea: Rank 1,103 in the grade.
Physics: 24. Chemistry: 32. Biology: 55.
I'm doomed.
I haaaate science. Aaaaaaaah...
I wish science would just disappear from the face of the earth.
"December 4, 2018 — Heavy snow — Tuesday"
Class was almost over.
It started snowing heavily.
It was my least favorite math class.
But the teacher let us out early to go see the snow—rare!
Awesome.
A few more minutes of gibberish I don't have to listen to.
Stood on the balcony.
Held out my hand.
Could catch the drifting snowflakes.
Cool and ticklish.
"December 20, 2018 — Sunny — Thursday"
The teacher did a spot check on "Li Sao" recitation.
Good thing there was a guy behind me who couldn't memorize it either, mumbling the lines over and over.
I picked it up right away.
Truly heaven-sent.
"December 23, 2018 — Cloudy — Sunday"
Christmas.
Received an apple with no name on it.
There was a little airplane drawn on it.
So sweet, so sweet.
No idea who gave it to me.
Maybe they delivered it to the wrong person?
I ate it anyway.
Who cares.
"Bea, look at you—a grown woman who's about to get married, and you never clean up that pigsty of yours. There's stuff crammed in every corner. Today I was organizing the cabinet under your desk and found so much junk, including a brand-new, thick diary that's barely got a few pages written in it."
"Hurry up and clean all that out! In a few days, Lucas's parents are coming over. If they see how sloppy you are, they might call off the wedding."
I pulled myself up from the bed and covered my ears.
I groaned at my mom.
"Even if nobody wants me, Lucas would never not want me. He said so himself—if I don't want to clean, he'll clean for me."
Mom poked my forehead in exasperation, then gave up on me.
She knows—when Lucas says something, he means it.
I flopped back onto the bed.
Continued reading my pathetically sparse diary.
Only to discover I'd written in it for barely four months.
Then winter break started and I just stopped.
Typical.
Of course.
Only someone like Lucas could keep a diary going for three whole years.
I sighed.
Reluctantly crawled out from my cozy blankets and got dressed.
Sat down at my desk.
And decided, after all these years—
To write a letter.
A letter to whom?
To the Lucas from high school.
To my very, very, very, very, very dearest Lucas:
Hello, seventeen-year-old Lucas.
I'm twenty-seven-year-old Bea.
In just a few days—
We're getting married.
Pretty shocking to hear, huh?
Haha...
If someone suddenly told the high-school version of me that I'd end up with the big shot from the Honor Roll—
I think I'd be pretty shocked too!
We seem like two people from entirely different planets.
After the college entrance exam—
You placed your diary on my books.
And that's how I found it.
Thank goodness we both found our courage in the end.
And stopped being cowards.
Otherwise, we might not even know each other now.
I asked you later, curious—what if you hadn't taken that step?
Would you have regretted it forever?
You just said, casually, "That's impossible. Because I definitely would have said it."
Alright then. Too bad I took so long to read the diary.
This coward right here—
Didn't finish reading it until right before we had to leave.
Even though we didn't end up in the same city—
At least we didn't miss each other.
The day before we parted—
We met.
I remember the day we officially decided to be together.
It was my twentieth birthday.
I knew you had a competition that day and couldn't come celebrate with me.
I wasn't expecting you to show up.
After all, there was nothing to be done about it.
That day, after evening class ended, I was walking from the classroom toward the dorms.
I caught the sunset just in time.
And then your call came.
I rushed toward the school gate.
And saw you, travel-worn and tired.
Holding a cake in one hand, flowers in the other.
Your dark circles were so heavy.
You probably hadn't been sleeping well again.
When you saw me come out—
You smiled, and your eyes lit up.
In that moment—
I suddenly remembered.
Yu Guangzhong wrote a poem called "Stunning Beauty."
If fresh snow falls and the full moon hangs in the sky—
Below, a carpet of pale shadow.
Above, a river of gleaming silver.
And you walk toward me with a smile.
Between the moonlight and the snow—
You are the third kind of stunning.
That day was in spring.
Night hadn't yet claimed the earth.
In the breeze of the setting sun—
The sun was packing up to go down the hill.
And from then on, you took its place.
In my radiant youth—
You are the one and only sunrise.
Lucas—your love reached me.