Every signal transmitted in this world told me that I was this ordinary and unremarkable. Someone like me had no right to be liked.
Nobody liked my tan face from military training. Nobody liked my flat eyelashes. Nobody liked those few red pimples that permanently camped on my cheeks. Nobody liked my physics score of 18.
Because I wasn't good enough, I subconsciously believed I didn't deserve to be loved.
If those outstanding people's youth was brilliantly colorful, then mine was dim and lifeless. I never dared to hope that anyone in this world could like me.
Inferiority was my defining label, saturating my entire youth.
It turns out someone could like this ordinary youth of mine.
Something seemed to fall from my eyes.
Tracing past my nose—slightly cold, carrying warmth.
8
"December 1, 2018—Light snow—Saturday"
There's a thin layer of snow on the ground.
Fresh snow still clinging to the branches.
On the path from the dorm building to the academic building.
I saw that familiar silhouette again.
Perhaps because the sky was dark. She almost slipped. Remember to watch where you're walking.
Blanket Girl.
"December 2, 2018—Cloudy—Sunday"
I don't know what to write again.
I don't know how to write it.
What does it even mean to write it down.
It's like using stiff words.
To dissect my own heart in a haphazard, unstructured way.
"December 3, 2018—Sunny—Monday"
Theo was very normal today.
So normal it was abnormal.
I thought that was the end of it.
When it was time to turn off the lights.
Just as I was about to close my eyes and rest.
Theo suddenly spoke up.
He asked if we remembered the senior girl who performed the poetry recitation at the welcome gala.
For someone like me who had nothing to do with random Person A or B or C, I certainly couldn't remember.
I was only watching Blanket Girl.
Ryan didn't seem to remember either.
He was only staring at the etiquette student that day.
The two of us fell silent at the same time.
Pretending not to hear him.
Closed our eyes, preparing to go back to sleep.
Theo spoke again.
He said he liked that senior girl.
I opened my eyes again.
Ryan, who was still taking off his shirt, froze too.
Theo muttered with his head down.
He said you two don't understand anything.
Love makes people hideous.
Love makes people lose themselves.
Falling in love with someone is like losing a piece of your soul.
After he finished, the dorm fell silent.
I don't know how long passed.
I could already hear their faint breathing.
I was still tossing and turning, unable to fall asleep.
In the soundless night.
I suddenly realized.
Maybe he was right.
"December 4, 2018—Heavy Snow—Tuesday"
A few minutes before Chinese class ended.
Snow suddenly began to fall from the sky.
In clusters and clusters, in grand, sweeping flutter.
Dragged sideways by the wind, slowly descending in the air.
Soon it was a vast expanse of white.
This was the heaviest snow so far this year.
The classroom erupted in wave after wave of excitement.
Students kept glancing out the window at the heavy snow.
Seeing that everyone's minds had already left the classroom.
The teacher picked up their thermos, smiled, said class was dismissed early, and walked out.
Cheers instantly erupted from the room.
Then the back door was pushed open.
A blast of frigid air rushed into the classroom.
Crowds of people squeezed into the hallway.
The bell rang.
The entire building seemed to stir.
In no time, every class's balcony was packed with people.
Students from every grade crammed against each narrow window on every floor.
Some reached out their hands to catch the fleeting snowflakes.
Some bounded downstairs to scoop up handfuls of snow and toss it at friends with glee.
Some packed a snowball and hurled it at the person next to them.
Some had already built a tiny snowman.
Some left footprint after footprint in the snowy ground.
Everywhere was laughter, everyone was smiling.
Amidst the sea of people.
I looked up.
Looking toward Blanket Girl.
You were also smiling, reaching out your hand to catch the snow.
I reached out my hand.
In your direction.
Actually.
Love is something that can be touched.
9
"December 7, 2018—Heavy Snow—Friday"
Parent-teacher meeting today.
I saw you secretly crying, leaning against the railing.
I thought about it.
I don't know if it was because of a bad exam.
Don't cry.
I'll write the explanations more detailed for you.
You'll definitely get them right next time.
"December 10, 2018—Cloudy—Monday"
After the flag-raising ceremony.
The moment I turned around, I saw you dart out of the sports field like a rabbit, heading straight for the cafeteria.
I couldn't help but smile.
It seems like every time I see you, the corners of my mouth curl up.
Just like you, too.
Always like that. Habitually.
"December 15, 2018—Sunny—Saturday"
My mom got off work early today and had extra time.
So she drove to pick me up.
Our family members aren't very talkative.
The whole ride was silent.
Both my parents are very busy.
I learned to take care of myself at a very early age.
Our house always had only three colors—black, white, and gray.
The food was always barely edible.
Our TV was like a decoration.
After dinner, each of them would return to their own study.
I would return to my bedroom.
We might not exchange more than two sentences a day.
The entire dimension felt empty.
Living in this state all the time.
Gradually, I came to assume that everyone's home was like this.
It wasn't until high school that I realized.
It seemed like only our family was like this.
She suddenly spoke.
Saying I seemed to have changed recently.
I looked up at her.
But she was already on her phone talking to a subordinate about a work report.
I turned to look out the car window.
Streetlamps passed by, one after another outside.
The shops along the road flickered with colorful lights.
I realized.
It seemed like, at some unknown point.
My world had started becoming vibrant and colorful.
My heart too.
"December 20, 2018—Sunny—Thursday"
Our Chinese teacher took a leave of absence.
It just so happened that Class 22's Chinese teacher came to substitute.
Recently we were studying "Li Sao."
We were required to memorize the entire text.
During morning reading, the teacher had both classes line up in the office for recitation check.
It just so happened that Blanket Girl was the last by her class number.
And I was the first by mine.
I was right behind you.
Everyone in the line was frantically scanning their textbooks, nervous.
I could look down and see your smooth hair.
Soon it was your turn.
You recited quickly at first.
Then in the middle, you seemed to get stuck.
"With pure clarity I'd die for what is right, as former sages deemed worthy..."
"Former sages deemed worthy..."
Seeing you struggle to remember made me more anxious than if I couldn't remember it myself.
I didn't care about anything else behind you.
Anxiously and softly prompting you, while holding my Chinese textbook, pretending I was the one reciting.
"Former sages deemed worthy. I regret not examining the path more carefully, lingering, I shall turn back..."
Maybe hearing my recitation, you picked right up.
You passed smoothly.
Saw the teacher nod, signaling the next person.
You and I breathed a sigh of relief at the exact same time.
Good thing I memorized it well enough to help you.
"December 21, 2018—Sunny—Friday"
Theo excitedly told us.
He was planning to give his senior girl the biggest, reddest apple in the world for Christmas Eve.
He's the machine gun in our dorm, always blabbering nonstop.
Ryan asked why he was giving an apple.
Looking at the two of us with confused expressions.
He rolled his eyes dramatically.
"You two have studied yourselves stupid, or have you never lived in this world? What else do you give on Christmas Eve? Apples mean peace and safety. You don't even know this?"
Our family never had this custom.
I had no idea what this was about.
In the past, on Christmas Eve, someone would leave a small box on my desk.
But I never had any interest in opening it.
My middle school desk mate seemed to really like what was inside the boxes.
The first time, he asked if I wanted the box.
I just casually gave it to him.
After that, he seemed to just take them without asking me each time.
Thinking back now.
What was inside those boxes must have been apples!
So that's what it meant.
A lovely wish.
Suitable for Blanket Girl.
I just don't know if she'd like it.
"December 22, 2018—Cloudy—Saturday"
I went home for break this time.
I specially went to a fruit shop.
Couldn't find an apple I thought was suitable.
Most of them were oddly shaped.
Not red enough, not big enough.
Some didn't even look very sweet.
The supermarket was the same.
Went to several stores and still couldn't find a proper apple.
I'll just have to look again before heading back to school tomorrow afternoon!
"December 23, 2018—Cloudy—Sunday"
I was lucky—I found one.
Nice color, red enough.
Big enough too.
Looks delicious too.
I bought an extra one—it tasted very sweet.
I'd never been to a gift shop before.
After going in, I realized there were so many kinds of gift boxes.
A bit dazzling.
I picked one with Ultraman on it.
It felt a bit strange for some reason.
I don't know if Blanket Girl would like it.
Theo also put a little card inside the box for his senior girl.
That kind of behavior requires the prerequisite that Theo and that senior girl actually know each other.
But you don't know me yet.
I felt like putting a card in abruptly might make you uncomfortable.
So I decided not to include one.